i told my mom i was gonna exercise and she laughed at me



one time when i was like 12 my dad wanted me to put a dvd in the dvd player and i was like ‘what do i get in return’ and he said ‘you can have half of the winnings of this stupid lotto ticket’ and he ended up winning 600,000 dollars and i was so pleased with myself. 300,000 dollars when youre 12 is pretty much like infinity dollars. he was so mad

Shit, man, $300,000 would be like infinity dollars to me now.


when kids stare at you for a long time


One of my favorite twitter exchanges


A person’s tumblr tells a lot about them. It shows what kind of images they see in their head, who they love, who they hate, even what they think about other people.

  • me: chill
  • seejelly:

    two years ago i was licking a lollipop and some dude said “watching a girl eat a lollipop is a great way to see how well she gives blowjobs” so i bit the lollipop in half and spit it out 


    are you ever looking at weird stuff on the internet and ur paranoid its going to end up on facebook somehow because facebook is connected to like everything

  • Straight Person: Are you gay because a guy fucked you over?
  • Me: No, I'm gay because a girl fucked me right.
  • itll:

    how does wikipedia know the height of every celebrity


    Current status: not being kissed or riding a dragon this is unacceptable


    hey could you hold this for me a second *gives you my hand*